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Ellen's picture

Madam, you stink

I was experimenting with different antiperspirant deodorants because I
was unhappy with the old powder from Mennen (Speed Stick for men

davew's picture

Happy Holidays!

I'm more of a Merry Christmas person myself, but apparently there's this war on Christmas, and I would be unpatriotic or something if I didn't join in. Aw, the heck with it. Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! I even know one person who uses the days off work to sneak in an early celebration of the Chinese New Year, so Happy New Year! I hope everyone enjoyed their time off work in a way that was pleasurable and as spiritually uplifting as you hoped.

And now for my peeve. Do I care that Walmart says "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas'? Not really. What I devoutly wish is that they would say nothing at all. Just skip the signs, the displays, and the sappy music. No sign posted in a chain store is going to affect my mood significantly one way or another unless it says something like "Dave really sucks" but there's no holiday like this yet. Whether Walmart calls it Christmas or Holidays or even St. Swithin's Day what grates on me is the meaningless decorations and repetitive music whose only purpose is to part me from more of my hard earned money than I might otherwise. Given a choice I would seek out a store that never tried to force any kind fake sentimentality on me. Unfortunately I don't know of such an establishment. This is why I try to avoid shopping for presents between Thanksgiving and Boxing Day. Is this a bit of an overreaction? Not really. One drop of water on your forehead can be innocuous or even pleasurable like the first sprinkle of a warm summer shower. One drop of water on your forehead every thirty seconds is a famed torture. This is exactly how I feel about _Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer_, _Christmas Rock_, and all of their fatuous brethren. An hour in a shopping mall at this time of the year is enough to unhinge me. I'd confess to killing Kennedy to make it stop.

So in case some decision maker at Walmart or any other national or local store stops by this site looking for advice, here it is. I don't care what you don't say at this time of the year just so long as you don't say it. Or play it. You will have my gratitude and my business. I'll find my own supply of Christmas cheer thank you very much.

Ellen's picture

Pillow in Training

I woke up early this morning and noticed that the cat was not sleeping
with me. I sensed that I had laid still for quite a while, subconsciously
believing in my sleep that the heavy weight of Eva was still resting on
my legs. When I woke up enough to realize that my legs only held the
memory of the sleeping cat, I sighed with relief and rolled over,
nestling into the pillow for another snooze before I got up. I adjusted
my head pushing it back a little to give myself more pillow to fluff and
roll under my head. Then I heard a tiny

davew's picture

Feel Not the Burn

I was mixing up a batch of extra tasty Asian Slaw a la Alton Brown this weekend. One step I always include is to taste the peppers to find out how hot they are. If the seranos are extra zippy I use two, but with a milder fruit I'll throw in three. This batch was zippy. Hoo boy! I'm not talking agony but parts of my tongue felt like they were near thermal failure. At this point I remembered a bit from Alton's episode on chiles (and chillis and chili). We learned that water does nothing to quench pepper fire. The compounds are not water soluble. They are alcohol soluble, but beer just isn't concentrated enough to do any noticeable good. This is where the show in question left it. Okay, so beer isn't enough. How about something closer to 100 proof? I was feeling experimental so I made tracks to the larder. I was hoping for some vodka. No such luck. I did have some Lagavulin but I didn't want to waste a mouthful of sippin' stuff on this. We had some gin that was close to 100 proof. Here goes nothing.

I took in a large mouthful of Bombay Sapphire. The first thing I noticed was that when your tummy is expecting waffles feeding it gin is a really mean trick. Feeding it peppers probably wasn't very kind either. I felt instantly a little queasy. Against my usual instincts I merely swished the booze around for 20 seconds or so and spit it out. The first thing I noticed was that my whole mouth felt really strange. The mixture of strong spices, alcohol, and pepper left my poor taste buds desperately searching for normalcy. I've gotta say it worked though. The parts of my tongue that had been burnin' like Johnny Cash now held only the faintest trace of a tingle. As a matter of fact most parts of my mouth now had a faint tingle.

It's just one data point, but it looks like a cure for capsacin to me. The fact that the tingle was distributed indicates that the alcohol did indeed dissolve most of the burn. If you try this at home I recommend spitting regardless of the time of the day or your mood. There's more than one way to get grief from peppers and by the time the chemical moves further through your system the gin is going to be long gone. Capisce?

davew's picture

I'll Sue

I really enjoy working for my current employer, and it will be sad if it comes to an end over this. Now the ball is firmly in their court. "What did they do" you ask? They carelessly and recklessly left a wall right next to a door where just anyone could walk into it. Can you imagine a bigger safety hazard? All is well and good if you open the door and walk through the exact center, but if you miss by as little as a few feet you could very well break your nose on the door frame. The aluminum door frame. Aluminum is a metal. Swords and knives are made out of metal. See? It's like a lethal, sword studded trap right out in the middle of everything just waiting for an innocent victim to blunder into it. A victim like me. (The nose is healing nicely, thank you.)

I would think the accident itself would be worth a chunk of change, but you also have to figure in the pain and suffering. My previous face has been known to cause distress in individuals who are legally blind. Now there are black eyes, wounds, and a scary grimace. You take this amount of pain and multiply it by the number of people I am likely to encounter in the average week and that's one hell of a lot of suffering. I haven't contacted a lawyer yet, but I figure I'm due a check with a whole lot of zeros on it... with a big fat zero right up front!

davew's picture

Macro Results

A most remarkable thing happened this time. I gave very little partial credit. The answers were usually bang on (sometimes scarily so -- one person even guessed the type of beer!) or way far off. I didn't say no partial credit so if you think you deserve a point or two don't worry. You got it. Sorry for the late results. I got stuck for a day two, and this will be blogged about shortly.

Anyway without further ado, the winner this time is Tom Rix! As always something nice will happen to him soon. I guarantee it.

As requested the total number of points, expressed as a percentage of the maximum, is listed next to each answer.

1) quarter (edge on) 50%
2) skin (it was the end of my finger) 100%
3) fingernail clippers (end on) 75%
4) fingernail file 75%
5) tweezers 100%
6) staples 100%
7) CD/DVD disc 75%
8) corkscrew 100%
9) T.V. (also accepted CRT or monitor) 75%
10) tea (black tea) 50%
11) salt (kosher salt to be precise - notice the flat crystals) 90%
12) beer foam 75%
13) pepper (black pepper corns -- my favorite shot) 50%
14) chocolate chips 75%
15) cheese (blue cheddar) 100%
16) olive (pimento stuffed) 80%
17) tooth brush and paste 100%

davew's picture

Thump

A modest suggestion to Donald Rumsfeld: stop banging on the podium! Every time I hear an interview with you it's like you have a bass and drum accompaniment. While it does add a certain jazz feel to the proceedings, it makes it nearly impossible to focus on what you are saying. You're welcome.

davew's picture

Macro Contest Deadline Extension

I don't know what I was thinking. I'm going to be busy with family over the next week. No way will I be taking time to judge the contest. Have those answers to me by 11/27.

So far I'm pleased. No one has got less than 50% and no one has aced it. Not too easy, not too hard. Just the way I like it.

davew's picture

Schizophrenia

I pondered for a long time what I wanted my blog to be about. I won't bore you all with the final list or how I came up with it. You probably have some idea if you read here regularly. In the mean time in order to comment on some other folk's blogs I was forced to join blogspot. This comes with a free blog. Yipee! What am I going to do with two? I noodled on this for a while. The one thing I post from time to time which I sometimes regret is rather unfunny political rants. Believe you me I write a lot more than I ever post. I always worry about turning off someone who finds DF because of photography or EVs or the world's richest vein of hysterical writing. So what I have decided to do is this. Any posting which I feel is not particularly funny or germane will get posted on blogspot. Everything else will go here. I suspect that almost everyone will ignore the other blog, and indeed I encourage you to. This will allow me a place to vent (it really helps in some undefinable way), and leave this place relatively free of rants.

Digital Flatus: Sanitized for Your Protection.

Ellen's picture

Who

I love Halloween night when the trick-or-treaters come out in their
costumes with their treat bags opened wide. I

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